25

Just had the thought that I'm about to be a 25 year old Captain who has led troops in combat, who owns his own home, has investments, at 25 paid off his student loans, a large chunk of his mortgage, his credit cards, and a starter loan while heavily investing in stocks and mutual funds...And I couldn't be more single on Valentine's Day. I think it's just because I'm an asshole. At least according to the last two girlfriends...make that last three.

Needed Words

Today at church we had communion. After two very depressing, discouraging and exhausting weeks I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually begging God to take me away from it all. As the crackers and juice were being passed out, I was praying extremely fervently. Then clear as a bell I heard five words from God.

Shut up!

...I love you

That's all I needed. Tears nearly came. Pain washed away. Joy flooded back.

Thank you.

New Year

2010 was a year of stress, fear, disappointment, loss, change for the worse, breakups, heart breaks and depression. 2011 is a new start and new beginning with a lot of new possibilities. I had hoped there'd be a chance to start a new relationship soon, but not so much. Oh well. She gave up on it, just like the others, so whatever. I'm making the decision to move on and never think of her as relationship material ever again. This is probably a good thing because the last four times our families have gotten together and we've both been there I've had my heart broken. Not a good pattern at all. The first time, the day after she told me her parents didn't have a peace about us dating. The second time, the day after she told me we couldn't see each other. The third time, the day after she told me we couldn't even talk at all. And this time at the end of the visit she told me that I needed to move on.

New rank, new job, new career are expected this year. I'm excited. Who knows, maybe I'll find a great girl to add new relationship to the list. One can only hope.

Again? Really?

Somehow I always seem to let myself believe I've found a lasting love, but it alwasy seems to get snatched from me for one reason or another. Sometimes it's my fault, sometimes it's not. Since returning from Iraq I've had my heart broken 3 seperate times now by 3 different girls. I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that I am meant to be single forever.

I was certain this last girl would ultimately be the one God had picked out for me, but apparently not.

I can feel my heart growing numb from how often it has gotten hurt. It's no longer that I don't think I can be in love again, it's now to the point where I don't want to be in love again. When being in love means only that I'll have my heart destroyed again why go through the pain again and again.

Yes, normally I'm the eternal optimist. But when it comes to love I've seen the truth. True love is unattainable for some, including me. For some it's the fairy tale that becomes reality, for others like me it's the hope that is eventually proven nothing more than a fairy tale.

So I guess all I can say now about my latest attempt at love is ouch.

Discouraged Today

I've been thinking a lot about falling in love, getting married and starting a family recently. The more I seem to think about it and where I am in life, the more discouraged I get. I can't seem to settle down no matter how hard I try and every quality girl I know wants a guy that will settle down. I don't want to lower my standards just to get what I want. Every time I find a great girl I like who likes me back she backs off due to the instability in my life or it doesn't work out. What can I do? I want a family, a wife, children, but it's so discouraging. I don't know what to do. I just want someone to tell me what to do.

Finding my heart

Everyone these days has some sort of advice for me on my love life. Everything from "marry that girl" or "you should ask her out" to "never get married, trust me" and "why get tied down by only one girl."

I've always relished advice. Especially considering that the way I learn things is to see someone do them so I can do them also and adapt them as necessary. I've been learning that that's not the case with the heart. No one, no matter how similar to me they are or how much they care about me or if they're related to me can show me what my heart wants to do.

But without any direction on what I should do, I'm lost floating in the breeze as I desperately attempt to find meaning and purpose in the choices I think my heart is making for me.

When I feel lost like this I turn to logic and reason to guide me as common sense has proven a useful ally in this endeavor. But logic and reason aren't what governs the heart. Nor does the heart, as I've learned, always do the opposite of logic and reason. There is no clear cut guide to help me make the biggest decisions that could change my life forever.

The biggest one I find right now is whom I should date and ultimately marry. I've been hurt so much in the past that I don't even know if the feelings my heart seems to be having are true or just a fantasy that will pull me into yet another spiral to break my heart all over again. And everytime I pray about it I get a different answer. Does that mean God wants me to decide and He'll make it alright in the end whatever I choose? I always expect Him to answer with "wait" but recently He hasn't.

I always want to make the right choice no matter what the question is, but in this there's no way to determine what the right answer is. I can't even say where my life would go whichever choice I make.

It's like I'm floating in the breeze and I don't know how to touch down again and start running. The paths are laid out before me, each just as inviting, logic, heart-tugging as the others, but no way to determine which one I should take. And I know and can see there's no going back once I choose a path.

Which is right? Which path should I choose? Which choice should I make? What should I let my heart decide?

Stages of Masculinity

John Eldridge, in his book Wild at Heart, writes that there are six stages that every man goes through in life: the Beloved Son, the Cowboy Ranger, the Warrior, the Lover, the King and the Sage.

The Beloved Son stage is where a boy learns that he is valuable and loved by his father. His father shows him he's proud of his son, and encourages him in the right path.

The Cowboy Ranger stage is where the boy grows adventurous and daring, which leads to the Warrior stage where the boy finds that there are some things worth fighting for.

The Lover stage is where the boy learns to open his heart to love.

The King stage is where the man rules over his "domain" such as his household, which leads to the Sage stage where the man with great wisdom and experiences passes it to others.

The great question in men's hearts stem from these stages, and often their hesitations or crazy ideas about changing their lives comes from either wondering which stage they are in or discovering which stage they are entering.

With those things in mind (and the knowledge that a man can be in more than one stage at a time) I ask myself out loud which stage(s) I am in.

It seems quite obvious to me that I am no longer in the Beloved Son stage, as I am very aware of how proud my father is of me and know how much he loves me. While it can be argued that this stage may have been delay in years past, my father and I have passed through this stage with flying colors and he has ushered me on to the next stages.

The Cowboy Ranger stage is one I've always thought of where the boy yearns to take risks. Though these risks are not necessarily of the physical danger sort, I must say those are the risks I've yearned for most. I believe I've been going through this stage for several years and am in reality nearing its conclusion. There are still risks I yearn to take, but more and more I find myself wanting to take the risks with a larger goal in mind. In other words, something worth fight for.

This leads me to believe that I am squarely in the midst of the Warrior stage. This is in no means because of the fact that I am a Soldier deployed to a war at present. I firmly believe that in my next career choice I will still maintain the same drive to fight for something worth fighting for. As I recall I eluded to these yearnings in an earlier post.

But what of the other 3 stages? I find society (both secular and christian) telling me that I cannot be in the Sage stage until I am an older man and that it is unlikely that I am in the King stage until I have passed through the Lover stage, which according to both societies I should be squarely in the middle of right now. I find that to be ludicrus.

I find as I move to new jobs, more and more I find myself offering advice to those in and around my former jobs. I find myself passing on information, wisdom and knowledge to them. This would be in line with the Sage stage.

Furthermore, I find myself pushing closer to the King stage by taking on more and more responsibility and opportunity to take the blame for the choices I make that others follow. This would be in line with the King stage.

As for the Lover stage, I find myself severely lacking the yearning to dive full force into this stage as I have found myself with all of the other 5 stages. This I cannot explain. I like girls and love the idea of falling in love and getting married and having kids. But something always stops my heart from giving everything to moving me into that stage.

Maybe in that regard I really am only still in the Warrior stage and must now learn to open my heart. Maybe one day. . .we'll see.